Lost wanting to be found

You work hard, you make things better for everyone but yourself. You lose yourself in time just wanting to be released from the tomb your mind has built. I go through this everyday, I feel like I cannot speak without the guilt from everyone I love to come at me. Why does emotion have to exist, I live a life of abandonment I try to go outside my zone make friends to turn around and see they have disappeared, vanished out of my life faster than they came in it. Family, now that is a word that is harder than friendship, I live my life in a sea of manipulation, guilt, toxicity and narcissism. Im being taken down by the current of judgement and drowned by the diminishment. I do everything for my family but they are the weights on my ankles that keep me from breathing above the water. Have you ever felt that? Have you been drowning for so long going back and forth just trying to be found in the sea to be rescued? I just don't know what to do the only way you can talk is through this because I cannot talk out loud, I cannot scream my pain, because I get reminded that the things I am feeling is just a burden on others. I want everyone to be heard because even screaming in the silence, sometimes you find another silent listener who will be there.